Tachyon Causality with Nil Probability

By Seth Underwood

The great entertainment corporation of Voidway created the ever popular Tachyon Causality Chronometer. Designed originally as a party gag, the Chronometer can predict how eventful one’s day would be upon waking. By providing the user a percentage ranging from 0% to 100%, one would be able to know roughly how eventful their day was going to be. The problem is not even the female particle physicist and inventor, Yamaji Akako, understood how it worked.

The Chronometer was based on quantum Tachyon particle theories with 0% being considered a normal day. The idea of seeing anything greater than 50% was considered absurd by many scientists. Many of them agreed that if 100% was shown, such a prediction of eventfulness, they postulated, would create a ridiculous set of incidents in space-time that no one would believe. This didn’t stop businesses from installing them into their cramp sleeping pods to make people feel better in the morning, with commercials featuring individuals waking up with 50% numbers and the slogan “There’s a good chance you’re a winner of the Solitude Focus Sweepstakes.” The Solitude Focus Sweepstakes being one of the most successful sweepstakes in human antiquity with a substantial tax free cash prize for life.

By this time in human history, people had colonized every star system in a 75 light year radius from Earth, and formed a great Corporate Imperial Empire. Through the use of Heavy Grav-Lines, mankind sped between stars at half the speed of light via controlled gravity waves and had invented new lifeforms from the elements.

In the star system of Gliese 784, Hedrek Couch, a fourth class plumbing technician, was asleep awaiting the start of his shift, in a manufacturing and processing plant buried deep in the fifth planet around a red dwarf sun. Hedrek was like most human males of this time, about six foot two inches tall, light tawny skin tone, brown eyes and black hair. He worked with two co-workers, Jenna Rescorla and Morgana Tredennick, as a plumbing gang. Jenna was short which helped in navigating the tighter areas, and Morgana was about Hedrek’s height. Like Hedrek, Jenna and Morgana had the same skin tone, brown eyes and black hair now common to the species.

Hedrek Couch woke up in his standard issue snug sleeping pod and noticed that the overhead Chronometer was showing 100%. “How odd” he thought to himself as he crawled his way out of his sleeping pod taking his locker key with him.

Hedrek walked past rows of sleeping pods with people waking up for their shift as he twirled his locker key around his left index finger. He kept thinking to himself, “What does a 100% mean? Is that a good thing? Am I going to win the Solitude Focus Sweepstakes? Wait, did I enter that?”

He got to his locker and pulled out his bathing supplies. Next to him was Jenna who was getting dressed in her work jumper.

“Jenna, have you ever seen a Chronometer with 100%?” Asked Hedrek.

“What are you talking about Hedrek? There’s no 100% on those things. They’re total bunk. Look hurry up or you’ll be late.” Jenna replied as she zipped up her jumper.

Hedrek made his way to the male shower stalls, disrobed and began the shower. Today the shower wasn’t as freezing as normal. It was actually lukewarm. “Hmm… maybe this is what the 100% means.” He thought to himself.

Getting out of the shower, he saw Arthur Treweek, a fifth class pipe welder, and Hedrek asked Arthur about the 100% reading on the Chronometer.

Arthur responded by patting Hedrek on the back as he walked away saying, “Well it’s been nice knowing you.”

Arthur’s words echoed through Hedrek’s mind as he went back to his locker and began to mindlessly get dressed in his work jumper. “What the hell did Arthur mean? Nice knowing you? Am I going to die? Is that what 100% means?

Hedrek turned pale; Morgana came up to him, “Are you okay? You look a little sick.”

Hedrek turned to Morgana with a frightful look on his face, thinking to himself, “It’s already beginning. I’m dying right now.”

“Hedrek, I think you need to go see the Medics. You really don’t look well. I’ll tell the shift boss.” Morgana said leaving him.

Once dressed, Hedrek made his way through the machinery complex and into the Medical Bay. He was greeted by an automatic doc-o-bot which made Hedrek sit down on a med-bed. Hedrek was in a mindless daze as he kept thinking to himself that he would die soon, and just mumbled out answers to the bot’s questions.

After taking vitals, the doc-o-bot wheeled itself away and then from a back office lumbered out a Halogen dressed in a pressure suit which hissed from time to time. The Halogens were living gas creatures and poisonous to humans if not contained in a pressure suit.

Speaking through the suit’s mic, the Halogen said, “Your vitals show you are fine. What brings you here?”

Hedrek mumbled out, “I think I’m dying. Or will die soon.”

The suit hissed as the Halogen spoke, “I see. Well, what makes you think that? Are you depressed?”

“This morning my Chronometer had 100% on it. That means death, right?” Hedrek said shaking.

Coming closer to Hedrek, the Halogen’s two dark eye spots stared through the suit’s visor, as it said, “I see. You realize those things are just for fun, right? You will not die. Those Chronometers have no meaning at all. No one knows how they even work. Now I will give you something for your nerves, and you can return to work.”

Hedrek just nodded his head.

Leaving the Medical Bay, Hedrek took two of the pills with the hopes that the gaseous doctor was right. Within minutes his vision became temporarily blurred which freaked him out. “Damn Halogen! Dad always said you can’t trust them.” He said under his breath.

Once his vision cleared Hedrek made his way through the vast metallic complex of piping, struts and causeways towards his work station. He heard the shift’s meal whistle echoing through the machinery’s development.

Making his way to the Meal Room, Hedrek saw Morgana and Jenna and waved at them. They waved back as the three of them found a table.

Morgana commented, “So you are looking well, Hedrek. What did the Medic say?”

“Nothing. Just my nerves acting up.”

“Nerves? What caused that?” Morgana asked.

Jenna interrupted, “Are you saying that you went to the Medic because your Chronometer had 100% on it? You gotta be kidding me! Those things are total bunk.”

Morgana took Hedrek’s hand, and looking at him with sad brown eyes said, “Oh, I didn’t know you had a 100% reading this morning. I’m so sorry.”

Jenna looked at Morgana said, “Morgana don’t tell me you believe in that Chronometer trash as well?”

Morgana pulled her hand away and turned to Jenna saying, “My aunt once got 25% on hers and she suffered a stroke that day. So, yeah I think they can predict a person’s eventfulness for the day.”

“Get real. Your aunt probably would have had the stroke even if it was zero.” Jenna said rolling her brown eyes.

“Look, I’m hungry and my day has been sucky so far.” Hedrek said getting up from the table.

“See Jenna. Hedrek’s already had a sucky day.” Morgana said pointing her finger at Jenna.

“Whatever. Just bring me a rice bowl meal pack with soy sauce.” Jenna said putting her head down on the table and holding her meal card up.

Morgana took Jenna’s card and went with Hedrek to the rows of meal vending machines. Hedrek took his meal card out and stuck it into the payment slot. When he tried to pull it back, the card was stuck. He kept tugging on it; it was jammed.

“What’s wrong?” Morgana asked.

“The damn thing is stuck.” Hedrek said as he put a foot on the machine for more leverage.

Morgana held Hedrek at the waist as she pulled on Hedrek, and Hedrek pulled on the stuck meal card.

The card suddenly popped out as the two of them fell backwards to the aluminized floor. The meal vending machine then dispensed a dozen random meal packs which landed next tothem. Then a light came on the vending machine showing it was out of order.

Getting up, Hedrek said, “Sorry about that. Are you okay?”

“Are you kidding? Just grab the meal packs and let’s get back to the table before some supervisor sees us.” Morgana said pulling herself up from the floor.

They grabbed a half a dozen meal packs each and made their way back to the table with Jenna. “Why did you two buy a week and a half’s rations?” She puzzled.

“No. My card got stuck, and the machine went crazy.” Hedrek said putting down the meal packs on the table.

“I don’t believe that. Let me see your card.” Jenna said holding out her hand.

“No, it’s true. I was there.” Morgana said sitting down and putting her meal packs on the table.

Jenna looked at Hedrek’s meal card, and said, “Your card isn’t showing a meal purchase for today. How can that be? You have twelve days’ worth of meals here.”

As she grabbed a meal packet Morgana said, “See, it’s the 100%.”

Jenna gave back the card, “I still think the Chronometers are fake. Maybe there was just an electrical fault with the vending machine.”

Going through the pile of meal packs, Morgana tossed Jenna a rice bowl meal and returned Jenna’s card saying, “I’m telling you it’s the 100%. Who knows what else will happen to Hedrek today.”

Taking the meal pack and her own card back, Jenna said in a huff, “Well, at least the 100% could have included soy sauce.”

The three of them finished their meal packs and headed back to their work floor. The shift boss, an Alkine-Earther, a living creature of pure calcium, wearing a lead-lined jumper to protect the human workers from its radioactive blood of liquid radium, checked the three back in.

Speaking through the jumper’s mic, the rock-like shift boss said, “Good to have you back on the floor Hedrek. Could you check junction 42? Sensors say there is a clog in it.”

“Right away, boss.” Hedrek said as he climbed through the maze of pipes.

Things got dark in the plumbing of the machinery complex, and Hedrek was having a hard time seeing but made it to junction 42 which was dimly lit.

He opened one of the service hatches to the junction and had only gotten the hatch half-way open when a small pale female arm fell out to the deck.

“Puddlegoo! Someone is in the piping!” Hedrek yelled.

The arm twitched and then moved back into the junction. Hedrek heard a female voice saying, “Shut up! I’m trying to sleep!”

Hedrek peered into the piping to see who was there; he saw a small woman curled up against the pipe’s wall.

“Miss, you can’t be here.” Hedrek said.

The small woman just waved at Hedrek to go away.

“Look, come out. I can’t have you sleeping in the piping. It’s too dangerous.” Hedrek tried to reason.

The little woman stretched and came out of the pipe through the half open hatch saying, “I was having such a wonderful dream, and you rudely woke me up from it.”

Hedrek couldn’t believe who was standing before him. Dressed in the latest stage fashion covered in soot from the piping was May Neptune, the lead singer of the pop group Immortal Sisters.

Stretching her little arms upward, May said, “Do you have anything to drink? I’m thirsty.”

Pointing at the slender four foot eleven-inch-tall woman, Hedrek muttered, “You… you… May…. Neptune.”

“So do you have anything to drink or not?” May asked again.

“Drink. Um. No.” Hedrek responded.

“Oh, I could really go for some synth-water right now.” May said as she continued to stretch by bending forward and touching her toes.

Hedrek pulled himself together, and wondered why May Neptune, one of the most famous singers this side of Delta Pavonis was sleeping in the piping machinery at this facility.

“So big boy, do you know where I can get synth-water?” May asked as she stretched backwards to the point of doing a slow back handspring.

“It’s back in the Meal Room. But why were you in the pipes?” Hedrek asked.

Coming up to Hedrek, May on tippy toes put her right index finger on Hedrek’s mouth, whispering, “Now promise not to tell. I ran away.”

Pulling back, Hedrek in shock said, “You ran away?! Why?”

Putting her hands on her dainty hips, “I got bored waiting around on this rock while they were refueling. So I left.”

Not knowing what to say exactly, Hedrek blurted out while rubbing his crewcut black hair, “Um. I guess we should head back and get you something to drink.”

“You’re cute. I think I’ll keep you.” May said grabbing Hedrek’s arm as the two of them made their way back to Hedrek’s work floor.

“Keep me? What did she mean by that? Am I her slave now?” Hedrek wondered.

As the two trekked back May kept asking questions about the equipment she saw on the way, and twice she got frightened asking Hedrek to hold her tight. Hedrek really didn’t know what to make of the whole situation. May wasn’t like she was in her concerts where she was this dominatrix on stage. Hedrek asked her about that and May said, “Oh, that stuff is just for show. My producers make me do it that way because it sells more songs and vids. In reality I’m just like any woman.”

“Any woman? I don’t know of any woman who can sing like her or do a slow back handspring or was as pale as her. She was clearly a special genetic outlier.” Hedrek thought to himself as the two finally made it out of the dark maze of plumbing.

While Hedrek and May were wondering their way back to Hedrek’s work floor, the entire facility was in anticipation of Hedrek’s return. Moments after Hedrek left, the senior staff realized that May Neptune could be somewhere in the plumbing based on her Producer’s tracking data. This was not to mention a few officials had arrived who were interested in seeing Hedrek.

Once out Hedrek and May were greeted by a flurry of paparazzi, May’s crew and the machinery complex floor workers. Everyone was pressing at the two by asking questions of what had taken place while May was trapped inside the maze of piping and the heroics of Hedrek in finding her. May gave this gushing story of how Hedrek saved her from near death. Then to Hedreks’ surprise May announced that the two of them were engaged to get married as she clung to his side and kissed him on the lips while she stood on tippy toes. She told how Hedrek proposed to her while they were trapped.

Just then two men dressed in the tailored business suits from the star system, 70 Ophiuchi, pushed their way through the crowd and announced that Hedrek Couch was this year’s winner of the Solitude Focus Sweepstakes. Handing Hedrek his prize winning certificate, they congratulated him on his monthly tax-free winnings of 200,000 Bunsū per month for life.

Lastly, squeezing through the crowd was an elderly gentleman dressed in the robes of the Imperial Court. “I must see young Hedrek Couch. I have news of utmost importance to him.” The old man kept saying in a raspy voice. People made an opening for the old man, and he addressed Hedrek as the Court’s genealogist. Hedrek Couch was the heir apparent to the Baroness of the star system, Wolf 1069. The crowd then let out a loud “Bim! Bim! Bim!” in praise of Hedrek’s ascension.

Hedrek was at a total loss of what was occurring around him, and just stood there like a piece of wood as May cheerily answered questions and dragged Hedrek along with her back to her star ship.

In the back of the crowd stood Morgana and Jenna looking on to the events unfolding before them.

“Told you it’s the 100%” Morgana said jabbing Jenna in the side.

“Damn bastard! That could totally have been me. What I would give to be marrying May Neptune and getting off this damn rock. The shift boss could have easily sent me in to get her as much as Hedrek.” Jenna said stomping her foot.

“Oh come on. You’re not tall enough for May Neptune, and you know it. Besides you have to enter the sweepstakes to actually win, and be a blood relative to be the heir apparent.” Morgana said patting Jenna on the head.

“To hell with you Morgana and your Chronometers! Those damn sweepstakes are rigged! And I bet in a year, the Imperial Courts will find out that whole inheritance thing was a clerical error.” Jenna said as she turned away in a huff.

Read some of my other stories at www.sethunderwoodstories.com.